Heart ache... Was it worth it?

I've been reading old blog entries from before the horrific heartbreak and it's like a different person..... Reading my happy words is like twisting the knife in that little bit more. Being single is great until you remember the reason your heart is smashed into pieces and you're struggling to find the energy to get out of bed and do the mundane tasks that the world tells you have to do. 

So watching Netflix all weekend and not seeing friends is easier than facing people and pretending you're ok. 

Pretending you're ok is a coping technique, that I think I've perfected this year and most people are fooled... 

As there is only so many times you can send the same heartbreaking message to your loyal friends and only so many times they can tell you it's all going to be ok and only so many times you can pretend you believe them. 

In times like this I look to my friend who is my biggest hero and I'm so so so so proud of her! People keep shooting her down and she gets back up every single time and it's hard not to look at her in awe and envy of the person her heart breaks have made her become, which is a strong, resilient and amazingly talented woman who I'm proud to call my friend! (It doesn't help she is insanely beautiful too, some women just get it all) 

So yeah being single is great... Being in relationships are great... Fuck it they are amazing when you're in the bubble. 

I loved our little Kill/Gray Union.... But at the end of the day when someone holds your happiness in their hands and can destroy it with a shake.... You have to ask yourself... 

Was it worth it? 

10 things that rock about being single

So I've just read a post about stupid Blurrgghhh couples!! "12 things that's great about being in a relationship"

Well I'm here to rebut all of her stupid posts....

1) I get to do anything I want... My friend wants to drive to Sheffield to spy on her ex at 11pm at night on a Sunday, hell yeah I'm going along... No one to judge and no one to say but you'll wake me when you get back.... 

2) Apparently massages are great because they do your "butt", as opposed to a stranger.... Please, like I don't have enough guys trying to get near my arse... Touch my boobs and I'm happy. Get the tension out of my back and I'll gladly hand over my £50! Just don't touch my bum!

3) Boys!!! Lots and lots of boys!!! Need I go on? Ok? I've always been be girl that's sat at home twiddling her thumbs waiting for the guy to text me back.... Now I'm too busy to time my replies or even care if one doesn't reply. None have got my heart or feelings but lots have my attentions! And that's good for now :)

4) Not having to deal with the "in law parental family" bollocks.... Buying Christmas presents for his aunties cousins dog's pet kitten! Phew missed that one this year and LOVED it!

5) Sleeping in - no one judging you for sleeping past 2pm.... 3pm... Hell I got up at 5pm yesterday!! No judgement!!

6) Spending all my money on ME!! I'll admit it, this month I spent £272 exactly on make up and I don't even feel bad. If I had a significant other I'd feel compelled to spend the same if not more on him and I'd feel guilty for spending that on myself.

7) Binge nights!!! Again no judgements!!! Friday, Saturday and Sunday's spent binge watching crap tv shows and only having netflix judge me with its stupid "are you still watching" of course I bloody am!!!! And no I haven't left the couch all day and no I don't have a bra on!!! You're not the boss of me!!

8) The excitement and the nerves of a first date!!!

9) No cooking, unless I want to... And I don't, so piss off!

10) Being my own person and not moulding into what someone wants me to be!

I'm sure all the above things will diminish when I meet the one but right now I'm happy being just one person, and living free and without judgement! 😊😱😁❤️

End of year epiphany.... To be rebutted later on

So as some of you maybe aware I was in a horrific breakup earlier this year and I'm still in recovery and I recently hear back from an ex from six years ago who had fond memories of me (which is always nice)

So this had me thinking of my sex with the most recent ex and how I hid my true nature and inhabitions from him due to his reaction to suggestions (utter disgust if I remember rightly)

While thinking about our sex life I thought about the kinkier side of our bedroom activities which were very vanilla kinky. 

And there is only so many times you can be tied naked to the bed with ice cubes inside you and fight the urge to shout "put the fucking heating on!!"

So my question here is can you truly love someone who actually didn't know or love the real you? 

Blasts from the past....

So it's been a while I'm a terrible blogger I apologise!!

So it's nine months since I was glad I wore a bra and things are going good. I'm still in an emosh hole that is suffocating at times but I'm climbing out and that's what counts (or so I keep telling myself) 

So recently an old flame came back into my life and it made me think of all the people who walk in and out and how come have a massive affect and some you don't even remember what happened to cause them to leave. 

I had an old "thing" get back in touch and I always deemed him as the one that got away so for him to message and get back in touch after six years really showed me what impact I had on him and I got butterfly's at the thought of seeing him again. 

So then I went back to the "thank god I wore a bra" day and I had an epiphany my breakup was exactly that a break up. Not the end of my world. It was just the end of that book. And on reflection it was a very dull book. Reminiscing with an old flame at my wild days and remembering the judgement I got in my last relationship I realised we weren't right for each other!! 

Can you believe it?! I'm actually recovering. And I didn't require rehab! Don't get me wrong my heart is broken but my head is firmly back on straight and I'm ready to get my life back on track!!

#alphafem

Turned a corner

So I think and think about it and I think I get his motives.... So I send this....

I think I've turned a corner... Is that the saying. I kinda get what you mean and think maybe you do feel the same as me (regarding missing and it being hard, smaller scale?!) but know in the long run it won't work so you want to spare us dragging it out and wasting time. Which I kinda get, things had been strained but I still put that down to neglecting each other but maybe I was the one who couldn't see the wood for the trees and admit defeat with us and just wanted it to work out because I loved you and love the idea of our future together. Is that kinda right? I hope we can still be in each other lives and what will be will be. But for now I see why you've ended things as much as it hurts I think you did the right think (this doesn't mean I have given up on you though) I just see your logic. 

And he doesn't reply!! Why is he being so unreasonable I didn't kill anyone cheat on him slash his tires and yet I'm avoided like the plague. And yet I still keep thinking well if we get back!!! What the f is wrong with me. 

Implosion....

Wow the difference a month makes.

One month ago I was planning a holiday planning a 33rd birthday and thought my boyfriend loved me. 

I was even deluded enough to think we may get engaged this year... So you can imagine my despair when he came home from the gym and said we need a break. All I kept thinking was "thank god I wore a bra"

As I saw him pack his things and leave our home I collapsed into a hump of tears and snot while the cat circled me and wondered why I was on the floor of the hallway and not filling his bowl with wet food (whenever the boy leaves I would give him wet food to bribe him) or he thought I was dying. 

So I'm currently sailing through my life in a bubble where I'm alone and not with Dom. Which I never thought I would have to do. 

I've been looking for my person for years and no one was ever quite right until him... And now I struggle to remember my life before him let alone continue without him. 

And what's worst are his actions he is so cold towards me like we never existed. Like he wasn't the boy who drove to the next town because he didn't like how we had left things that morning. The boy who cried when his friend upset me. The boy who shouted at me when I missed the don't out if a text that should have said "I don't want to break up!" And then cried in my arms. Where has all that love and passion gone!!!

I can't accept it's over. Being hit by a car would be less painful... But here is to hoping. 

Texts I want to send....

I love you. Please fight for us. We can overcome this. 

I hate you for what you have done. We had good stuff and you've thrown me away at the slightest hiccup 

Friends. You want to be friends with me?!! Why? Why me?! You're not friends with any of your other exes. What did I do that was so special to deserve to be friends?  

You can't break someone heart and then tell them you care from them 

If that desperate haggard bitch likes another status or Facebook I will cut her. 

You're a fucking cunt

I miss you. 

I can't do this anymore. 

I've got so much more money without you!!

You are incapable of adapting to ever be happy with someone. We had something amazing and you picked and picked until nothing was left. You're 33 for fuck sake. You saw kids with me. You saw marriage but now nothing... It doesn't change over night. 

We was Lyneete and Tom. You was my person!! What the fuck have I done. 

Road to recovery.... Where is it? Directions please?

Hmmm so I've read about a million break up websites And have even downloaded a book about getting someone to love you. How much did I become a little pup you just want to get in a bear hug. 

So six days ago, a million tears ago, but who is counting I sent a text that changed my life, I asked the boy to talk through our issues as currently he seemed off like he didn't want to be with me. He came back and looked all sheepish and I knew something was wrong. And all I could think was "thank god you put a bra on woman"

Then the tears started and I realised what I was losing. A few weeks ago I thought we needed a break and I felt a bit trapped. But soon as the big "B" word was used I was in pieces and this shattered my whole trapped feelings and suddenly I couldn't bear to imagine him not being in my life. But wait he is packing his stuff. He is going. It's over!!

But thank god I wore a bra......

What I miss about living alone....

So this will be an on going blog updated as I see fit (or when the boy royally pisses me off) don't get me wrong I love him but because it's I love him that he royally knows how to piss me off!!!

1) No judgements. 

Examples - 

Eating toast for tea. 

Not doing shopping for weeks. Living on cuppa soup. 

Wearing all my clothes before doing washing (even the skanky Granny pants, we all have them... Don't lie!!) 

Not cleaning the bathroom for weeks. (My blog isn't called domestic mess for nothing. I'm a tramp!!)

2) Not showering everyday 

(when you have no plans of course, like Friday to Sunday afternoon, Ahhh bliss)

3) Watching what I want on TV. 

Everyone has their guilty pleasures, mine is Teen Mom, Don't tell the bride and Storage Hunters (strange crush on Jessie). The boy allows me to watch them when he is in (and when he doesn't I remind him "we have two tv's go and plug the other one in" as if you recall tv's aren't to be trusted and could blow up at any time) and will sit and watch but MY GOWD will he talk and talk and talk through it. Now I am known for being chatty but even I know there is a time and a place and during Teen Mom it is not!!! Which leads me on to four...

4) SILENCE!!!!!!!! 

Living with OCD

Today's post is a bit of story about me and the boy and one of our downs! Hope you like. 

So like every couple we have ups and downs and when it's good it's really good. And when it's bad it's still good so I think we're on the right track. 

But it's not always been like this. When we first moved in with each other I didn't know the extent of the boy's OCD, don't get me wrong it's not really bad where he could be on a tv show it's just enough to make me roll my eyes (in complete support of course hahah)

So the first time I visited his flat (which is now our flat) on the way out he forcibly checked the door was locked and then after we got in the car and drove past the door from the garage he stopped the car and got out and again checked the door. "Strange but ok, can never be too safe" I thought. 

And that was the extent I saw until I moved in with him. 

When I moved in with him I saw the bigger OCD picture. Nothing can be left plugged in over night or when we go out which makes a nightmare for chargers (laptop, kindle, iPad and Iphone all never fully charged, and if you are as dependent on your tech items as me you can see why this would cause friction) 

So while we are late already and I'm outside impatiently tapping my heels and shouting "hurry up, we are LATE!!" While he runs around unplugging stuff that is turned off and I'm sighing like I've just ran five mies to get my point across. 

He finally comes out of the flat and locks the door, forcibly checks the door is locked and then checks again on the drive up!! I silently seethe and think wait until we get back home. 

When we get home it's a full out war of shouting at each other that ends with me shouting what's the difference between leaving my charger plugged in and you leaving the fridge plugged in. To which the boy shouts "I have to trust the fridge!!"

And it clicked he can't help it. He can't sit at my friends house knowing my GHD's are plugged in but turned off. It's like that nagging feeling we have when we think "did I turn the straighteners off?" But on a bigger scale of nagging torment. 

And for the last few months I've been mocking and unsupportive of this issue that my favourite person in the whole world, who clearly can't help it. Once the words "I have to trust the fridge" were said, I just hugged him and apologised for all the jokes and the muttered insults that we're said over the last few months. 

So the OCD is still an on going issue and I don't think he will ever put it to bed but while I'm helping and not mocking our lives are so much happier. And now I forcibly check the door is locked with him rather than mock his efforts at keeping our home and me safe!

Picture challenge!!

So I committed to doing it so here is the day in the life of a domesticated mess!! 

12pm - woke up and swapped Easter eggs (last year I didn't get the boy an Easter and when I finally did a few days afterwards it was broken, he was not pleased hahaha) I love my Easter egg this year but the cheesecake chocolate is very sickly!!! 

1pm - travelling to my Nanna's for Sunday lunch and on the way we spot a car over taking people stupidly and speeding and when a beer can got thrown out of the speeding car, the boy insisted I called the non emergency police to report the car. So here is a screen shot of my call being a crime stopper!!! We did get some feedback from the police, who will be visiting the registered car owner's address. So could have prevented a car crash!! #crimestopper

2pm - continue to drive to my Nanna's and the boy went out last night and was a little worse for wear this morning. And he insists on getting rid of his alcohol fumes before we reach my relatives and continues to gas me with the smelliest farts ever!! So bad I had to open the windows and those from Manchester know today was not a warm day!!

3pm arrive at my Nanna's and swap Easter eggs!!! All good!!! #thorntons #special

4pm (ish) - we get our dinner!!! Mmmmmmm nothing beats Nanna cooking!! Also some good chats with my Nanna and her partner. I really don't spend enough time with my Nanna and I really enjoy her company. And life is too short and all that jazz, so today was a lovely memory and I'm glad it appeared In my blog and my picture challenge as the day is documented. (So the picture challenge has served it's purpose!!)

5pm - boy insists on listening to the United game and then moans at the loss (you'd think he would be used to them losing these season by now)

6pm - in the back of our back garden is a field and I constantly hear them baaaarrr'ing but never go and see them. So today I went and saw them and took pictures to share :))

7pm - bit of nature. It's good for the soul and when I really looked at the tree it did have a bit of artistic beauty to it (been taking pictures for 8 hours already think I'm a photographer!!) 

8pm - films borrowed from Nanna's (I say borrowed but unlikely to ever be given back!!! Think the bucket list is the one to watch tonight)) 

9pm - we decide we would like some cakes so the boy sets out his work station because he thinks he is cake boss (if you haven't seen it watch it ASAP it's great!!!!

10pm - boy wants to watch a boy film (one with Arnie and Silvester) the last true boy film he made me watch (Pain and gain) had me in tears as it was Monk (from the tv show) who was being tortured. So I will give this a miss and I decided to do some light reading on the Kindle. I'm obsessed with Hunger games and just recently watched the film Divergent which I'm told is a similar genre so I've opted to read that instead!! 

11pm - Usually the boy has me on a strict diet and no bad food is allowed in the house but when he is feeling fragile,

crisps and cakes are allowed. Plus it's Easter so I should be allowed bad food,

so here are our movie snacks... Plus the cakes made earlier that I'm still hearing about how he is cake boss and deserves his own show!! 

12am - my last picture, really not sure what the plasma looking thing is on the left I took this like four times came out the same every time #spookey!!!

Of course it's got to be my bed!!!! And this reminds me that I want new bedding as brown is boring and samey (the boy has 3 bed spreads all the same colour all the same type) he needs some colour in his life, I know! I'm working on him give me time!!

So that's it folks 13 pictures that sum up a day in the life of Domestic Mess!! I did really enjoy taking pictures and it really did make me see the world more as I was conscious to get a good picture or an interesting one I could talk about. So I would say this is a brilliant task!!!! :))

 

Unlikely friend.....

So about 15 months ago I met my boyfriends best friend and his partner. She was a really good friend to his ex (a ten year relationship) so there are some old ties (but her loyalties lie with my boy which is good) but from my side I felt I had some big shoes to fill even if the ex misses and the best gal pal aren't friends now it still had issues for me. Call me insecure call me petty or call me realistic and honest. I'd go with all four hahahaha. 

So the first meeting was very tense and the comment the boy said afterwards was"I don't expect you to be besties just be civil" so I'm assuming I wasn't the fav!!

 

But now 15 months later and I consider this girl a friend. I enjoy spending time and the conversation flows and we even have little bitching sessions!! Which I think signs and seals a friendship in my opinion!!!

The crossing over was sealed (in my opinion anyways) was when she discussed the ten year ex and said how she was brave to end things with my boy and start over and how she was glad that  my boy found someone who was right for him and who he knew he was meant to be with (a direct quote from her boy during a man talk - who knew they existed where they actually talked about feelings) then she went on to say the friendship with the ten year ex didn't happen over night they had to work at it. This was like an olive branch to me which signalled don't worry we will get there. Maybe I'm reading too much into it maybe it was a passing comment or maybe it was a promise of things to come. And that was like a light at the end of the tunnel.... An unlikely friend, I love that fact!

Gyms???!!! Why oh why can't I have good metabolism!

Take one...... The gym......
Why is there always one steroid obsessed guy and one crazy bitch in the vicinity of the gym when I attend? every machine I went on I had a big muscle man following me asking if I was nearly done... No pal I haven't done as I am still adjusting the seat, PISS OFF!!! Ohhhh Jeeezzzzz

Take two...... The Swimming pool......
Then in the swimming pool there was an OTT couple all over each other and she would casually shake her bikini top to him and he would blush and hold his crotch to which she would gently rub it better for him.... seriously what on earth do I pay for at this gym.

Take three...... The Sauna......
and there is some ignorant bigoted woman claiming how Muslims wearing head scarf's offend her.... and cue being fat forever as if this is the type of people that are fit and desirable I shall say over weight thank you very much!!!

But I will return.... Definitely.... Maybe. 

On the bright side I have been getting some good comments on breast reduction lately. #Good times!!!

Moving in....

So we've moved in together, we've packed up my things and were on the road!!

We move into his flat and unpack. All going well so far!! But wait readers you know where this is going....

So I casually plug in my adapter that has four plugs you know for the essentials phone charger, laptop, kindle etc and I'm told I can't have my charger by my bed a it can cause fires having too much plugged in?!!! Is this guy for real, I've just moved in and he is now just telling me my charger isn't welcome in our bed!! I need to sit down!  So we come to a compromise he will put the phones on charge and if my isn't at 100% when I wake up there will be trouble!!! There first live in fight sorted.... Now for the make up sex.... ;)

Hello again.... It's been a while

So folks I'm back with a new blog, damn passwords and email address why can't we have eye retina scanner thingy!!! So it's been 2 years!! Quick update douche dumped me horrifically and I barely survived it. But I survived and thank god I did. You know when you break up with someone and your girl pals tell you hang in there it wasn't meant to be. You've got to kiss some frogs ready for the prince... Well November 2012... Minus a white stallion my prince in the cheesiest non girly way entered my life (sarcasm intended but still a true statement) the boy, saved me from myself. I was spiralling into a bitter dimension of man hating portions and wondering what to name my 11 cats that I would eventually have to get (irony , I dislike cats) and he charmed his way in and made me fall for him... And here's the kicker.... He caught me!!! It's amazing!! So even though I'm as sarcastic and as bitter tongued as ever I have a soft side to me that I would like to document for all the strangers who are nosey like me and read peoples blogs!!!

Happy reading!!

Coming up.... Living together pro and cons (you will notice the pro isn't plural, I'm joking there are tonns, he does my washing...)