Implosion....

Wow the difference a month makes.

One month ago I was planning a holiday planning a 33rd birthday and thought my boyfriend loved me. 

I was even deluded enough to think we may get engaged this year... So you can imagine my despair when he came home from the gym and said we need a break. All I kept thinking was "thank god I wore a bra"

As I saw him pack his things and leave our home I collapsed into a hump of tears and snot while the cat circled me and wondered why I was on the floor of the hallway and not filling his bowl with wet food (whenever the boy leaves I would give him wet food to bribe him) or he thought I was dying. 

So I'm currently sailing through my life in a bubble where I'm alone and not with Dom. Which I never thought I would have to do. 

I've been looking for my person for years and no one was ever quite right until him... And now I struggle to remember my life before him let alone continue without him. 

And what's worst are his actions he is so cold towards me like we never existed. Like he wasn't the boy who drove to the next town because he didn't like how we had left things that morning. The boy who cried when his friend upset me. The boy who shouted at me when I missed the don't out if a text that should have said "I don't want to break up!" And then cried in my arms. Where has all that love and passion gone!!!

I can't accept it's over. Being hit by a car would be less painful... But here is to hoping. 

Texts I want to send....

I love you. Please fight for us. We can overcome this. 

I hate you for what you have done. We had good stuff and you've thrown me away at the slightest hiccup 

Friends. You want to be friends with me?!! Why? Why me?! You're not friends with any of your other exes. What did I do that was so special to deserve to be friends?  

You can't break someone heart and then tell them you care from them 

If that desperate haggard bitch likes another status or Facebook I will cut her. 

You're a fucking cunt

I miss you. 

I can't do this anymore. 

I've got so much more money without you!!

You are incapable of adapting to ever be happy with someone. We had something amazing and you picked and picked until nothing was left. You're 33 for fuck sake. You saw kids with me. You saw marriage but now nothing... It doesn't change over night. 

We was Lyneete and Tom. You was my person!! What the fuck have I done. 

Road to recovery.... Where is it? Directions please?

Hmmm so I've read about a million break up websites And have even downloaded a book about getting someone to love you. How much did I become a little pup you just want to get in a bear hug. 

So six days ago, a million tears ago, but who is counting I sent a text that changed my life, I asked the boy to talk through our issues as currently he seemed off like he didn't want to be with me. He came back and looked all sheepish and I knew something was wrong. And all I could think was "thank god you put a bra on woman"

Then the tears started and I realised what I was losing. A few weeks ago I thought we needed a break and I felt a bit trapped. But soon as the big "B" word was used I was in pieces and this shattered my whole trapped feelings and suddenly I couldn't bear to imagine him not being in my life. But wait he is packing his stuff. He is going. It's over!!

But thank god I wore a bra......