When I grow up....

So everyone asks when you're younger... What do you want to be?! And now well into my twenties I find myself asking kids that now... Not to be patronising... For inspiration!!

Even after promotions into a good job with stable and good money I still feel like I'm playing house.. And failing. 

All around I see people getting married and having kids and I'm still wandering aimlessly thinking about when I'm going to trade in my fabric wardrobe for a proper sturdy wooden one my cat can't swing from and claw in the night...

 

I think of being adult life as a journey and I can't help think "Are we there yet?!"

When do you feel like a full fledged adult?! Do I get a badge? Will I sudden feel grown up and not laugh at the word "testicles" said in a serious tone?! (True story at the vets)

I can't help think that I'm just pretending to be grown up... 

Can I really add another pretence to my emotional status?!

Heart ache... Was it worth it?

I've been reading old blog entries from before the horrific heartbreak and it's like a different person..... Reading my happy words is like twisting the knife in that little bit more. Being single is great until you remember the reason your heart is smashed into pieces and you're struggling to find the energy to get out of bed and do the mundane tasks that the world tells you have to do. 

So watching Netflix all weekend and not seeing friends is easier than facing people and pretending you're ok. 

Pretending you're ok is a coping technique, that I think I've perfected this year and most people are fooled... 

As there is only so many times you can send the same heartbreaking message to your loyal friends and only so many times they can tell you it's all going to be ok and only so many times you can pretend you believe them. 

In times like this I look to my friend who is my biggest hero and I'm so so so so proud of her! People keep shooting her down and she gets back up every single time and it's hard not to look at her in awe and envy of the person her heart breaks have made her become, which is a strong, resilient and amazingly talented woman who I'm proud to call my friend! (It doesn't help she is insanely beautiful too, some women just get it all) 

So yeah being single is great... Being in relationships are great... Fuck it they are amazing when you're in the bubble. 

I loved our little Kill/Gray Union.... But at the end of the day when someone holds your happiness in their hands and can destroy it with a shake.... You have to ask yourself... 

Was it worth it? 

10 things that rock about being single

So I've just read a post about stupid Blurrgghhh couples!! "12 things that's great about being in a relationship"

Well I'm here to rebut all of her stupid posts....

1) I get to do anything I want... My friend wants to drive to Sheffield to spy on her ex at 11pm at night on a Sunday, hell yeah I'm going along... No one to judge and no one to say but you'll wake me when you get back.... 

2) Apparently massages are great because they do your "butt", as opposed to a stranger.... Please, like I don't have enough guys trying to get near my arse... Touch my boobs and I'm happy. Get the tension out of my back and I'll gladly hand over my £50! Just don't touch my bum!

3) Boys!!! Lots and lots of boys!!! Need I go on? Ok? I've always been be girl that's sat at home twiddling her thumbs waiting for the guy to text me back.... Now I'm too busy to time my replies or even care if one doesn't reply. None have got my heart or feelings but lots have my attentions! And that's good for now :)

4) Not having to deal with the "in law parental family" bollocks.... Buying Christmas presents for his aunties cousins dog's pet kitten! Phew missed that one this year and LOVED it!

5) Sleeping in - no one judging you for sleeping past 2pm.... 3pm... Hell I got up at 5pm yesterday!! No judgement!!

6) Spending all my money on ME!! I'll admit it, this month I spent £272 exactly on make up and I don't even feel bad. If I had a significant other I'd feel compelled to spend the same if not more on him and I'd feel guilty for spending that on myself.

7) Binge nights!!! Again no judgements!!! Friday, Saturday and Sunday's spent binge watching crap tv shows and only having netflix judge me with its stupid "are you still watching" of course I bloody am!!!! And no I haven't left the couch all day and no I don't have a bra on!!! You're not the boss of me!!

8) The excitement and the nerves of a first date!!!

9) No cooking, unless I want to... And I don't, so piss off!

10) Being my own person and not moulding into what someone wants me to be!

I'm sure all the above things will diminish when I meet the one but right now I'm happy being just one person, and living free and without judgement! 😊😱😁❤️

End of year epiphany.... To be rebutted later on

So as some of you maybe aware I was in a horrific breakup earlier this year and I'm still in recovery and I recently hear back from an ex from six years ago who had fond memories of me (which is always nice)

So this had me thinking of my sex with the most recent ex and how I hid my true nature and inhabitions from him due to his reaction to suggestions (utter disgust if I remember rightly)

While thinking about our sex life I thought about the kinkier side of our bedroom activities which were very vanilla kinky. 

And there is only so many times you can be tied naked to the bed with ice cubes inside you and fight the urge to shout "put the fucking heating on!!"

So my question here is can you truly love someone who actually didn't know or love the real you? 

Blasts from the past....

So it's been a while I'm a terrible blogger I apologise!!

So it's nine months since I was glad I wore a bra and things are going good. I'm still in an emosh hole that is suffocating at times but I'm climbing out and that's what counts (or so I keep telling myself) 

So recently an old flame came back into my life and it made me think of all the people who walk in and out and how come have a massive affect and some you don't even remember what happened to cause them to leave. 

I had an old "thing" get back in touch and I always deemed him as the one that got away so for him to message and get back in touch after six years really showed me what impact I had on him and I got butterfly's at the thought of seeing him again. 

So then I went back to the "thank god I wore a bra" day and I had an epiphany my breakup was exactly that a break up. Not the end of my world. It was just the end of that book. And on reflection it was a very dull book. Reminiscing with an old flame at my wild days and remembering the judgement I got in my last relationship I realised we weren't right for each other!! 

Can you believe it?! I'm actually recovering. And I didn't require rehab! Don't get me wrong my heart is broken but my head is firmly back on straight and I'm ready to get my life back on track!!

#alphafem

Turned a corner

So I think and think about it and I think I get his motives.... So I send this....

I think I've turned a corner... Is that the saying. I kinda get what you mean and think maybe you do feel the same as me (regarding missing and it being hard, smaller scale?!) but know in the long run it won't work so you want to spare us dragging it out and wasting time. Which I kinda get, things had been strained but I still put that down to neglecting each other but maybe I was the one who couldn't see the wood for the trees and admit defeat with us and just wanted it to work out because I loved you and love the idea of our future together. Is that kinda right? I hope we can still be in each other lives and what will be will be. But for now I see why you've ended things as much as it hurts I think you did the right think (this doesn't mean I have given up on you though) I just see your logic. 

And he doesn't reply!! Why is he being so unreasonable I didn't kill anyone cheat on him slash his tires and yet I'm avoided like the plague. And yet I still keep thinking well if we get back!!! What the f is wrong with me. 

Implosion....

Wow the difference a month makes.

One month ago I was planning a holiday planning a 33rd birthday and thought my boyfriend loved me. 

I was even deluded enough to think we may get engaged this year... So you can imagine my despair when he came home from the gym and said we need a break. All I kept thinking was "thank god I wore a bra"

As I saw him pack his things and leave our home I collapsed into a hump of tears and snot while the cat circled me and wondered why I was on the floor of the hallway and not filling his bowl with wet food (whenever the boy leaves I would give him wet food to bribe him) or he thought I was dying. 

So I'm currently sailing through my life in a bubble where I'm alone and not with Dom. Which I never thought I would have to do. 

I've been looking for my person for years and no one was ever quite right until him... And now I struggle to remember my life before him let alone continue without him. 

And what's worst are his actions he is so cold towards me like we never existed. Like he wasn't the boy who drove to the next town because he didn't like how we had left things that morning. The boy who cried when his friend upset me. The boy who shouted at me when I missed the don't out if a text that should have said "I don't want to break up!" And then cried in my arms. Where has all that love and passion gone!!!

I can't accept it's over. Being hit by a car would be less painful... But here is to hoping.